When I first thought about it yesterday, I was a little bitter. I let my heart go to that yucky place where I don't sympathize with her, rather I get angry at her for making the choice she made. There is still are part of me that feels like she would be here if she hadn't made the choice she did.
She took her own life July 8, 1994. Some things I remember about her...
- She was beautiful. Her shoes always matched her purse which always matched her outfit. I specifically remember red shoes, gold shoes and this one green outfit. Now I look back and they were probably silly looking... but to this granddaughter ... it was the perfect look.
- There were 5 of us cousins at the time. Me - 10, Micah - 8, Morgan - 7, Brandon - 7 and Taylor - 6. That made me the oldest. (explains so much of my personality...) Before she died we had the opportunity to make several memories together including trips to Sea World and Six Flags and 2 or 3 week long adventures at Grammie and Papa's house. These weeks included things like: midnight snacks (usually around 9) made of banana splits; putting up a tent in the back yard, only to have it destroyed by a horrible storm that blew through; Baptist pallets in the living room floor; Christmas time around a perfectly apple and red bow decorated, tall, flocked tree; the drive from Dallas to Pampa in their cadillac-- 4 of us in the back seat and one in the front-- my favorite part was we made exactly 5 equally spaced stops so we could rotate spots.
- Her glasses! Oh heavens!! They were huge! But they were part of the look.
- Her hair! I live for the day when I can go to the beauty shop once a week and get my hair done in a boo-font! She had this beautifully poofed white head of hair.I can still see it... one of the few things I can still clearly picture.
- She was soft. I never thought of her as over weight, I was only 10 and weight hadn't become an issue for me to notice yet. But I remember snuggling next to her and it was always comfy, cozy and soft.
- She planned ... and every thing must go accordingly... this isn't what I remember as much as what I've heard. But I believe this is where I get the "my way or the highway" & "I've got this under control" attitudes!
Those are just a few of the things I remember but most of all ... are blueberry muffins. We both had a love for the sweet, soft yumminess of blueberry muffins. I can remember, from as early as I could sit up, sitting on the counter in her kitchen and helping her make them. We used a box mix, the one with the blueberries in the tin. It was such a fun sweet time for us. I don't know if the other cousins shared this time or if I was the only one. To this day I can't make or eat a blueberry muffin with out thinking of those sweet times and memories.
Grammie, I still love you dearly and miss you more than I could imagine. There are so many great things that you have missed in person but I know you have been watching from heaven, loving us through it all. I am sad about the way you chose to leave us, but I know it was harder for you to live than for you to leave. I know you are in heaven rejoicing with the King of Kings now, singing Praises to Him forever more. Thank you for giving me the courage to deal with my personal battle with depression. I don't want to get so lost in my own sad overwhelmed thoughts that I forget the reasons I have to live.
Thank you for all the great memories!
